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A serious blog entry is in order.
It's done. I finally pushed myself enough to get it over with. For a few months, years even, I was an utter coward and a worry-wart. I had no idea what will happen when I've finished what I needed to finish, and I didn't like not having an idea. I thought being stuck in that familiar limbo was comforting. It wasn't. The idea of non-progress was worse than the unknown.
I've always wanted to know. Knowing is fun. Knowing is empowering. However, there comes a time that people must admit that they don't know enough, and I was scared to let on that I didn't really know enough. I was stupid, arrogant even. And I've even told myself a lot of times how the gain of knowledge is more important than material gain, or whatever it is that people deemed important. But I was stuck in that rut of being arrogant enough to say, "I know what's gonna happen, and I'm not doing it." I truly didn't know anything to say that.
I was disappointed mainly in myself, knowing that I had so much potential to begin with and not using it properly. I was supposed to be smart and even talented. I was so disappointed at minor mishaps that I made and the thought of failing again nibbled away on my self-esteem. I won't be proud to say that even until now, I can't get over the stupid mistakes. Maybe they will haunt me forever.
Onto the plans after. I want to be someone that I'd personally look up to. I want to be a teacher. The existence of teachers is comforting, at least to me, because it means that one isn't restricted to knowing what one has learned by himself. There are other things, greater things, that these people know and would teach you. Looking back, I didn't bear a grudge against the bad teachers. Of course I'd remember them as people who didn't strive hard to be remembered. And there are the great teachers who had effortlessly made an impact in lives, like mine.
While I'm sure I'm going to be a boring teacher, let me indulge for a while in this fantasy, and wish for money for a master's degree.
Back to regular programming. :3
It's done. I finally pushed myself enough to get it over with. For a few months, years even, I was an utter coward and a worry-wart. I had no idea what will happen when I've finished what I needed to finish, and I didn't like not having an idea. I thought being stuck in that familiar limbo was comforting. It wasn't. The idea of non-progress was worse than the unknown.
I've always wanted to know. Knowing is fun. Knowing is empowering. However, there comes a time that people must admit that they don't know enough, and I was scared to let on that I didn't really know enough. I was stupid, arrogant even. And I've even told myself a lot of times how the gain of knowledge is more important than material gain, or whatever it is that people deemed important. But I was stuck in that rut of being arrogant enough to say, "I know what's gonna happen, and I'm not doing it." I truly didn't know anything to say that.
I was disappointed mainly in myself, knowing that I had so much potential to begin with and not using it properly. I was supposed to be smart and even talented. I was so disappointed at minor mishaps that I made and the thought of failing again nibbled away on my self-esteem. I won't be proud to say that even until now, I can't get over the stupid mistakes. Maybe they will haunt me forever.
Onto the plans after. I want to be someone that I'd personally look up to. I want to be a teacher. The existence of teachers is comforting, at least to me, because it means that one isn't restricted to knowing what one has learned by himself. There are other things, greater things, that these people know and would teach you. Looking back, I didn't bear a grudge against the bad teachers. Of course I'd remember them as people who didn't strive hard to be remembered. And there are the great teachers who had effortlessly made an impact in lives, like mine.
While I'm sure I'm going to be a boring teacher, let me indulge for a while in this fantasy, and wish for money for a master's degree.
Back to regular programming. :3
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